Sunday, April 20, 2008

Sins of the father

In our society traditional male/female relationships often exhibit these patterns.

Obviously these are big generalizations. But there is a common thread in our society..

Male Female relationships often have the female looking for deeper emotional connection with the male holding distance.. getting buried in work/football etc. What is this all about ?

When kids arrive the mother will find a new emotionally devoted male in her son and use this as a surrogate male emotional relationship. This is not healthy but is often the case.

What this in turn does for the son is have him grow up with him thinking that women are providers of deep emotional support. Because his mum over coddled him, the man does not learn to be emotionally self sufficient, he has been emotionally castrated and he expects emotional guarantee in his relationships from weomen.

All of this stops a man being able to really risk his emotional feelings in a relationship. He is used to the female emotionally compensating for him and in fact being subservient in this respect.

I believe this is often why men can be subtly nasty to weomen in their power. In the work environment men can gang up on a women if this threat is apparent. The women starts reflecting the mans weakness and pain in this area. Unfortunately most women just oblige and compensate again to keep the status quo.

The pattern is set for the next generation.

This pattern also has a manifestation on the father daughter side.

The less emotionally available father will have the daughter reaching out for this connection. As the father does not just 'show up' the daughter can develop tactics to extract the attention.

(this can setup conflicts with the mother as the daughter can get better at this than the mother so the mum just gives up and gets it from the son as daughter extracts it from dad)

When the daughter gets to puberty. The daughters sexual energy turns on and is then directed at dad, dad is completely freaked out and is even less capable of providing any sort of useful mirror for his daughter. He is scared about being a pedophile, incapable and scared of going into how he feels, he is not able to allow, and reflect that his daughter is attractive to him.

This is the safe mirror she needs from an emotionaly mature father, but he cant hold it for her so she reaches out even more.

When he continues to run away, the daughter gives up and then goes out into the world looking to 'get' this from man in general.

Because she has not had the boundary set by dad she can become oversexualised toward men, reaching out tying to get connection though sex via a man.

Not grounded in the fact that she is a totally whole sexual being without having to have sex, getting sex has become the only way to get this identity. But it does not work.

No relationship will satify the needs.

In the end the only way to guarantee the need is to have a son and get the emotional/sexual energy from him..

And so the cycle continues.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The tapestry and the tao

Read this today and liked it:

"When the fabric of our relationships is spun of openness, love and trust, then in the silence between words the tapestry is made complete"

I like to look as relationships as 'network' or 'graph' (as in node graph) phenomena, this is why people uses metaphors like 'web' and 'tapestry' to describe them.. (but really they are multidimensional networks not 2d webs or tapestries)

parties to a relationship are nodes in the network, and a network can experience complex fluxes through itself.

So to me this is talking about a natural order of relationship rather than an imposed forced structural one. The natural network, will support and allow the flux that is present by virtue of its parties, the parties to this will be happy. The forced network is imposed by a more external powerful influence, to achieve the flux dynamic the influence is after, this wont necessarily make the parties happy as it does not respect their individual nodal contributions.

The silence between words represents the unity flux of the network.. a unique expression of the network left to flow and balance its own tune.

This can not be predicted or controlled, but it can be felt by all who take part.

So the Tao could be described as the natural network flux of all relational things past present and future

From the Tao Te Ching:

"The tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named
is not the eternal Name.

The unnamable is the eternally real.
Naming is the origin
of all particular things.

Free from desire, you realize the mystery.
Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations.

Yet mystery and manifestations
arise from the same source.
This source is called darkness.

Darkness within darkness.
The gateway to all understanding."

Tuesday, April 01, 2008


Do you need rules to live by ?

I dont think so..

Rules are for robots of personality

A personality robot you makes choises from habit or because you are supposed to or because others expect it of you.

But a you you will just choose what makes you happy.

How else are you supposed to get beyond the illusory tangarine of this funny old world ?

So rules, shoulds and expectations are for the lost personality robot person.

Do you want to be you you or do you want to be a personality robot..

At least if you want to be you you.. there are no rules.. other than what makes you happy.

So you can be happy then..

If you want to be..

Start ignoring your rules..