Sunday, April 20, 2008

Sins of the father

In our society traditional male/female relationships often exhibit these patterns.

Obviously these are big generalizations. But there is a common thread in our society..

Male Female relationships often have the female looking for deeper emotional connection with the male holding distance.. getting buried in work/football etc. What is this all about ?

When kids arrive the mother will find a new emotionally devoted male in her son and use this as a surrogate male emotional relationship. This is not healthy but is often the case.

What this in turn does for the son is have him grow up with him thinking that women are providers of deep emotional support. Because his mum over coddled him, the man does not learn to be emotionally self sufficient, he has been emotionally castrated and he expects emotional guarantee in his relationships from weomen.

All of this stops a man being able to really risk his emotional feelings in a relationship. He is used to the female emotionally compensating for him and in fact being subservient in this respect.

I believe this is often why men can be subtly nasty to weomen in their power. In the work environment men can gang up on a women if this threat is apparent. The women starts reflecting the mans weakness and pain in this area. Unfortunately most women just oblige and compensate again to keep the status quo.

The pattern is set for the next generation.

This pattern also has a manifestation on the father daughter side.

The less emotionally available father will have the daughter reaching out for this connection. As the father does not just 'show up' the daughter can develop tactics to extract the attention.

(this can setup conflicts with the mother as the daughter can get better at this than the mother so the mum just gives up and gets it from the son as daughter extracts it from dad)

When the daughter gets to puberty. The daughters sexual energy turns on and is then directed at dad, dad is completely freaked out and is even less capable of providing any sort of useful mirror for his daughter. He is scared about being a pedophile, incapable and scared of going into how he feels, he is not able to allow, and reflect that his daughter is attractive to him.

This is the safe mirror she needs from an emotionaly mature father, but he cant hold it for her so she reaches out even more.

When he continues to run away, the daughter gives up and then goes out into the world looking to 'get' this from man in general.

Because she has not had the boundary set by dad she can become oversexualised toward men, reaching out tying to get connection though sex via a man.

Not grounded in the fact that she is a totally whole sexual being without having to have sex, getting sex has become the only way to get this identity. But it does not work.

No relationship will satify the needs.

In the end the only way to guarantee the need is to have a son and get the emotional/sexual energy from him..

And so the cycle continues.

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