Friday, August 13, 2010

Surfing the deep waves

I have started playing the piano again after quite a break.. I feel the emotions surge through me these days, stronger than ever, i have so much less shame in me about letting its all hang out so my playing just keeps opening up as I do, its great to let it all out through music and movement.


Its a land of extremes as I go deeper and deeper into my inner world.

I have to accept and enjoy my killer to enjoy my saint. It a paradox as everything is in there, sadness, joy, anger, hate, love, fear, attractions, repulsions, contractions and expansions. I have been surfing the deep waves and I like it there. You are here too.

Freedom and opening comes when I'm not judging but allowing myself to be whatever is there in the deep water, it wants to move in me. Sometimes that has felt pretty unpleasant. The hardest places to allow for me are the destructive forces there. Allowing myself to be seen as destructive and really feel that as a part of me is scary.

Uncompromising me means being with whatever is there and allow its impact on the world. No holding it in and no editing, scary and super exhilarational because actually, I have not the faintest clue what's going on or who I am.

So I keep opening, in the depths of me, i touch a raging fire, it wants to move, i feel my wanting to hold and control, a wanting me to be a certain way, an idea of me, it hurts to try to be an idea, so I let it free. It hurts someone else, or does it, i don't really know but i feel even more vulnerable as it moves out into the world.

I feel more life and my body softens, i sense more space inside and the life force in me grows as i release yet an other idea of who I was trying to be

Dropping into a unknowing deeper deep, I unfold to look around again, and I find you there with me. I lose the line between where I end and you start, or are you simply there in me ?


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